ALRIGHT. There are more things you should know in life.
This one is important for you guys who think you're gonna be criminals.
So, you're thinking to yourself 'hey, they find me with fingerprints, so why don't I just scrape my fingerprints off?"
So you do so. You think 'there's enough peoples with scratched up fingerprints that they won't have enough evidence to prove it's my particular scratched up fingerprint on there."
But on the way in your travels, after committing your great crime, you run into a wall and leave a tongue print. You don't bother to clean it up--it's just a tongue print, right?
Wrong.
Just like fingerprints, every tongue print is different.
Looks like they found you after all.
Do you like to stare at your toes? No? Well I do.
More specifically my toe nails.
Why?
Because it turns out that they grow 4 times faster than my fingernails.
And yours do too.
While we're on this topic, you should also note male fingernails grow faster than female.
But, you know what? To make up for that, females blink twice as much as men.
You know what that means, right?
Yes. While you guys all go blind at 40 because you're eye isn't lubricated as often, we still got a good ten years before we join you.
You remember the good old days when you'd go outside and find a slug and think 'hey! he looks fun to play with' so you'd stare at it for five horus straight?
Well, I do.
and know what I noticed? Slugs have 4 noses.
Oho, afraid of snakes are you? Oh and bees? But you're more afraid of snakes?
Well then I have something to inform you of.
What? No, I'm not on drugs. I don't even have drugs, so I can't inform you of that. Okay, sure I just informed you I'm a drug-free child but that's besides the point.
My original point was that more people DIE from BEES than snakes.
Bet you're going to go hug that snake now, aren''t you?
Okay, just because it kills less than a bee doesn't mean it doesn't kill too. Yes that means you should put the snake down. No it doesn't mean go play with the bees.
Well, fine. Do what you want. But when you die, don't say I didn't warn you.
Well since we're on the topic of animals...
People are more allergic to cow than any other food.
But never fear! That camel over there produces about 6.4 gallons of milk per year, so you're set!
I'm sure due to those three layers of eyelids she won't see you sneak up on her!
Yes I am aware that was about 3 facts right there. You need to know these things, you know.
Ah, the good old worm. It's a hermaphrodite. We all know what that is, yes?
What? No? Well, it means it's both a girl and a boy. It can make babies with itself.
But, despite being able to do that, it decided "argh. I can't find any food. I think I'll just EAT MYSELF."
Yes, MR/Ms Worm. That's the way to go.
You know, I'm pretty sure that's suicide. Eating yourself.
Oh? Going deep sea diving to see the dolphins?
What? You're going to sneak up on it while it's sleeping?
No, you can't do that. What? I don't know if it's illegal.
What do you mean how do I know you can't sneak up on it?
Everyone knows dolphins sleep with one eye open.
...Oh. You didn't? Well, now you do!
Feeling down that you can't get into the world record book?
Do you need some way to make it?
Well, chewing gum isn't going to make it.
See, the oldest piece of chewing gum that's still around is 9000 years old.
Now I don't know 'bout you, but I'm pretty sure that thing is just going to get older and older and you're gum will forever stay a baby compared to it.
Giraffes. The wonder of the world.
What do you mean they're not a wonder? Yes they are!
I mean, their tongue beats Gene Simmon's tongue!
...yes it's possible.
Oh yeah!? Well you tell me Gene Simmon's tongue is longer than 21 inches and he can clean his ears with it!
That's right people! Giraffes can clean their ears with their tongues!
What? Yes, of course it's 21 inches long. That's what she said.
ANYWAYS....
Think you ate too much?
Need to lose weight?
WELL NEVER FEAR! I HAVE A WAY FOR YOU!
WHAT? No not intercourse! Well, yeah that burns like 360 calories an hour but...
okay, well, I was going to say banging your head against the wall...it kills 150 calories an hour, and a couple brain cells, so you won't have to worry about thinking you're hungry afterwards!
See what I did there?
I made a life long change in just an hour.
Well fine, since you want to go intercourse, want to know something?
It'll put you're so called pleasure to shame.
...Get that thought out of your head.
Fine I'll force it out with a really bad image.
Pigs orgasms last for 30 minutes.
...Off topic, but pigs have roughly 10ish kids right?
...and thats takes 30 minutes of fertilization....
So, how the heck did the creators of 101 dalmations come up with "Lol, 4 minutes and they'll have 100 puppies!" ???
...Actually, I'm pretty sure that a dog can't have 100 puppies in one go. No matter how hard they try. It's just not possible.
...Maybe they were robotic dogs? Hmm...
ANYWAYS BACK ON TRACK...
So you think that intercourse is pretty great, huh?
Well, not if your a praying mantis, it's not.
Well, it would be for me but for you guys it SUCKS.
No, really, it does.
Seriously.
I'm not joking.
Females chop off the males heads to initiate intercourse.
Really.
READY TO PLAY ARMY??
SO AM I
*grabs the mosquito repellent*
Actually, it's not a repellent.
This can here, it actually just hides you from misquotes.
It kind of screws up their sensors, so they don't know you're there.
So while you're all camouflaged and stuff shooting them down with that brand new BB gun, they won't know a thing. Until they're dead. But then they won't remember it.
Unless they're robotic like those Dalmatian dogs.
Think they're in it together??
OKAY SERIOUSLY, GET YOUR TOOTHBRUSH AWAY FROM YOUR TOILET.
No on the counter isn't good enough!
.....No, I mean 6 feet away.
What do you mean why!?
Don't you know!? There's airborne particles that stick to that thing when you flush!!
...
I really do hope you flush.
Really, I do.
...and wash your hands after.
I mean it's bad enough you're getting stuff on your toothbrush from not washing your hands, but all that could easily be avoided.
YOU COULD HAVE A CLEAN TOOTHBRUSH OKAY?!
Leave me alone. I care a lot about toothbrushes, okay?
Need to write one last comment to complete you're 1000 word essay?
Well, just write "go"
It's the shortest complete sentence in the English. If you need two more words, just write "Go on."
see? I even help you with homework.
